conduct an exhaustive job "interview", Pseudolus takes drastic action, emptying his cup of mare's sweat on Senex's toga and forcing the old man to postpone his liaison for a bath. Events are now spinning out of control: Senex is performing his toilet in the house of the wandering Erronius and Pseudolus details Hysterium to detain him within, but then Erronius himself returns and has to be tricked into walking round the seven hills of Rome seven times to banish the evil spirits from his house. "I'm Calm," the put-upon Hysterium tries to convince himself. Senex and Hero, by this stage, are both beginning to notice the way the other is looking at Philia. A beauty like that falling for a callow youth? A beauty like that falling for a gouty, gassy asthmatic? Impossible. But the rightful owner has arrived: Bring Me My Bride," roars Miles Gloriosus. Pseudolus is condemned to death by Miles, but begs to be allowed a word, just one word. Intermission. Act II By now, even Pseudolus is having difficulty following the plot: Miles is being entertained in Senex's house (which he thinks is Lycus'), Senex is waiting in Erronius' house for Philia, Philia is refusing to drink Pseudolus' potion and Domina has returned in pursuit of 'That Dirty Old Man of Mine", convinced he's up to no good. Still under the impression that Senex is Miles, Philia reassures Hero that, whenever she makes love to her new husband, she'll really be making love to her true Hero - so she'll make love all the more intensely: That'll Show Him. Hero doesn't find this much consolation. Moreover, there is now a rival Philia: Hysterium has been dressed as a golden-tressed courtesan and told to play dead and look Lovely. Miles is distraught: his bride is deceased, but the least he can do is build a pyre for her Funeral. Soon, the stage is filled with Philias, fake and genuine, on the run from the menfolk - until the happy ending arrives: Philia is the long-lost daughter of Erronius and Miles the long-lost son; that makes them brother and sister, leaving Philia free to wed Hero and Pseudolus . free. It has, indeed, been a Comedy Tonight. MUSICAL NUMBERS 1. Comedy, Tonight - Prologus, the Proteans, Company 2. Love, I Hear - Hero 3. Free - Pseudolus Hero 4. The House of Marcus Lycus - Lycus, Pseudolus Courtesans 5. Lovely - Hero, Phylia 6. Pretty Little Picture - Pseudolus Hero, Phylia 7. Everybody Ought To Have a Maid - Senex, Pseudolus Hysterium, Lycus 8. I'm Calm - Hysterium 9. Impossible - Senex, Hero 10. Bring Me My Bride - Miles Gloriosus, Pseudolus Courtesans, Proteans 11. That Dirty Old Man - Domina 12. That'll Show Him - Phylia 13. Lovely (reprise) - Pseudolus Hysterium 14. Funeral Sequence and Dance (Dirge) - Pseudolus Miles Gloriosus, Courtesans, Proteans 15. Comedy Tonight (reprise) - The Company CHARACTERS • PROLOGUS - An actor who also plays: - • PSEUDOLUS - Slave to Hero, but with dreams of freedom. • HERO - The teenage son of Senex, he has already found true love. • SENEX - An old man, reluctantly dragged along to visit his mother-in-law. • DOMINA - The aptly-named wife of Senex. • HYSTERIUM - Also aptly-named, the slave of Senex and Domina. • ERRONIUS - The befuddled neighbour of Senex, he is abroad in search of his long-lost children, seized in infancy by pirates. • MILES GLORIOSUS - A great warrior, slaughterer of thousands, oppressor of the meek and sacker of shrines.